I remember early in recovery I had fought the idea of dependence on a Higher Power. I thought I was self-sufficient and I could do anything if I worked hard enough at it. I wasn’t powerless or had an unmanageable life. I surely didn’t need something greater than myself to stay sober even though using almost killed me. I fought all the things we learn in the program until I hit a spiritual bottom and needed to get honest with myself. I had to face the truth. I had to admit that I desperately needed help. Asking for help is something that just doesn’t come naturally to me so I knew I was in a really bad place. I did find help and got busy working the steps of the program. While I worked the steps, I found a Higher Power and began my spiritual journey.

Fast forward a number of years and my relationship with my Higher Power has ebbed and flowed as I continue to work my program. Today, I tell people that I really can’t explain what my Higher Power is or is not. The beauty is that I don’t have to explain the relationship at all. On a daily basis, I must believe, trust, have faith, and connect to maintain this relationship. I must do these things as a matter of necessity. There is no room for anything else because the disease of addiction is life or death for me. It is vital that I maintain my connection all the time and not just when I feel like or when things get difficult in life.

I recently went on a 5-day silent retreat to reconnect with my Higher Power. I felt like I wasn’t holding up my end of the relationship and needed to put myself in a place where I would be forced to reconnect. It worked! I was able to get out of my own way so I could hear the message I needed to hear as I continue my recovery journey. Not only did I hear the message, but I was also able to absorb it and move forward with what I received during that week. It was so amazing and I’m so glad my Higher Power pushed me (once again) to a point of spiritual desperation. So I pray, meditate, and keep on seeking one day at a time.

Tanya D. is a Usui/Holy Fire® III Karuna Reiki® Master, Meditation Instructor, Spiritual Life Recovery Coach and Yoga4Sobriety Teacher Ambassador/Liaison. Join her online Wednesdays at 5:30pm EST for Meditation4Sobriety. Find her @thepeacewecrave on Facebook/Instagram and at www.thepeacewecrave.com for all things recovery, reiki, meditation, and peace. Contact her at tanyad@thepeacewecrave.com.